How to Cope with a Failed Embryo Transfer as an Intended Parent

You spend weeks waiting for this date. You check updates from your clinic, follow the surrogate’s medication schedule, and try to keep hope steady but cautious. The embryo transfer occurs, and for a brief period, you quietly imagine in your mind what might happen next. A heartbeat. A due date looms. A name.

Then the call comes. The test is negative. It's a failed embryo transfer.

There’s no easy way to hear that news. Even if you told yourself not to get too excited. Even if you tried to stay detached. A failed transfer can feel like losing something you never quite held.

If you are currently experiencing this situation, here are a few suggestions that may help you cope:

1. Let Yourself Feel It  Some people cry. Some go numb. Some feel angry or drained. There’s no right reaction. Whatever you feel deserves space. This is grief, even if it’s invisible to most people around you.

2. Talk About It (If You Want To)  You don’t have to share this with everyone. But carrying it alone can feel heavy. Speaking the words out loud to someone you trust can sometimes ease the weight, even just a little.

3. Take Care of Your Body and Mind  Loss sits in the body as much as the mind. You might have trouble sleeping. You might feel tension you can’t name. Simple things can help: taking a walk outside, having a warm shower, or enjoying a meal you like. Rest isn’t a luxury right now. It’s part of healing.

4. Give Yourself Time Before Deciding What’s Next  You may feel an urge to jump into another cycle. Or you might feel like giving up altogether. Both are normal. But if you can, give yourself a little time. Decisions often become clearer once the first sharp edge of grief has softened.

5. Remember This Isn’t the End of Your Story  This transfer was one chapter, not the whole book. It’s okay if you don’t know what comes next yet. It’s OK to be angry, or scared, or heartbroken. And it’s OK to hope again, whenever you’re ready.

You’re not alone in this. Many intended parents have been in your shoes and found a path forward, even if it took time. For now, it’s enough to breathe and care for yourself in small, gentle ways.